Shame and leaving the evangelical machine
I sometimes reflect on my life with shame and embarassment. Why? Because I was part of the evangelical machine that I so despise now. There was a time I was willing to literally die for the Gospel. In some ways, I still am but not in the way that I was when I was young. When I was young, I wanted it to be dramatic where I was handing out a gospel tract while someone threatened to chop my head off daring me to deny my faith. I know ...so cringe. But ego, youthful arrogance and staunch commitment can be quite a cocktail. But those were the days where I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Elizabeth Eliot were something to aspire to.
I was navigating how to be an adult and how to follow Christ and I got almost every single thing wrong. I am proud of the fact I went all in though because if you are going to fail, may as well go big. I tossed my Moms dream of me being a doctor and went on staff with Crusade. In those days, it was Campus Crusade for Christ but they have found that offensive and offputting ...gee I wonder why? and now they call themselves just Cru. Different name but same game. I have no regrets making friends with some great people but I have a lot of regrets about what I believed to be true and also spreading what I daresay was a tainted Gospel. Once I realized I was part of the problem and not part of the solution I left.
Don't worry I won't just complain about the things I did wrong. I'm also here to share what I think is right and worth living for. I'm now surrounded by love and hope and a communit of faith that advocates for the poor, for the immigrant and for the unseen. For that I am grateful I am here now despite my own stupidity and errors. I hope you find hope that even if you get everything wrong, you can still end up alright. I am humbled though because how do I know what I am so sure of now is not as wrong as I what I was so sure of when I was in my 20s? I can't know and it reminds me to be humble and to be full of grace to folks who may still not "get it" or are promoting what I think is a false truth. People can change and grow and I hope I am continuing to push myself to reflect and be more Christ like.
