People gonna People
When you get told you have an incurable disease that is aggressive to the tune of 12-18 months stage IV aggressive, it stops you in your tracks. It certainly did in my life. But what happened next I did not expect. People, and I mean people close to me did not respond the way you think they would. There are family who love you so much they can not handle the pain of losing you and so they distance themselves. Not what you expect. There are others who minimize your suffering and think you will be fine maybe because they do not want to entertain the thought of losing you. There are still others who want you to comfort them for their suffering about your sickness. You get the whole gamut. I did not expect that. That was naive of me because one thing I have learned in life is that people are just people. Their response is more about who they are than about what you are going through. That is why when you find people who empathize and carry the load with you, they are ever so sweet like cool water on parched lips in a desert. I hold onto those people as "found family" vs the family I was born with.
I happen to have a high number of narcissists in my blood circle. And I also happen to have religious narcissists. Using phrases like "God isn't surprised" or "Everything happens for a reason" effectively dismisses or diminishes your emotions. It’s a way for them to bypass empathy while sounding "holy." Yeah, it used to bother me quite a bit but I've learned to just dismiss these people and their comments. Why? Because people gonna people.
During this time, my brother died suddenly. I can not tell you how dark that period was in my life. I was not yet aware I was going to survive my initial prognosis of 12-18 months. I had multiple fires. I was working full time in enterprise sales still because I had 5 people counting on me to put food on the table. I was going through chemo. I was recovering from a double lung procedure and I wasn't sure if the pain in my chest was the nerves cut or the cancer eating away at me. I was in middle of multiple lawsuits about my cancer. My wife was fighting with insurance and bill collectors for services that I wasn't even billed for yet, and yet they were sent to collections. It was a lot. Add to that just dealing with the sadness and suffering of seeing my kids feeling like they were going to lose their dad to a disease that had no cure.
And yet, here I am. I learned to endure and my "people" and my village and my God carried me through this valley. It just about broke me. It some ways it did break me but I think in many ways for the better. Like that Japanese bowl that is repaired with gold, Kintsugi. I had to be broken to be put back together.
I'll share more about this but my own journey isn't particularly special. All of you reading have your own war and struggle and people who people. They disappoint you. They surprise you. Some delight and love you. I am humbled by how little I understand of this journey. But I do know it can only be endured by faith, with hope and ends in love. Here's to your people and I hope your own bowl is broken in all the right places so you can be put back together even more beautiful than before.
